Archives for November 2018

Vague Expectations

In his book, Talent is Overrated, Geoff Colvin tells a short story of a company that decided to start celebrating birthdays to improve morale. The manager told his administrative assistant to buy a cake for a woman in the office named Kate. Now, near the end of the workday, he sent out an email to everyone but Kate, asking them to gather around her desk and sing “Happy Birthday”.

So, as the day draws to a close, everyone awkwardly gathers around Kate and sings “Happy Birthday”. Most everyone sings (or at least mutters) along with the song. A couple of ladies and Kate’s friends really get into it. Kate smiles, and she is clearly embarrassed.

As people begin to start cutting the cake, eager to start eating, the boss stops everyone and says, “That was pretty good, but I want you to sing it again, and this time, sing it better.”

Everyone awkwardly stares at the boss. Nobody sings. You can hear crickets. Why?

In this instance, they knew how to sing “Happy Birthday”. But to sing it better? What does that mean?

Far too often, as leaders and coaches, when we communicate, we communicate in vague descriptions, like this boss did.

We say things like:

• “We have to compete more.”
• “We need to be kinder.”
• “We’ve got to play smarter.”

What is “better”? Well, we need to show them. We need to clarify our expectations.

Rarely is just telling them enough. Sometimes you may need to show them. But, what I have found most effective is using questions to help them identify what those behaviors look like. Questions like:

• “When someone is competing at their best, what does it look like?”
• “Think of the best teammate you have ever had. What were the things they said and did? How did they make you feel?”
• “When the game is close and time is running out, what type of things does a smart team do?”
• “After practice, what type of things would a grateful team do?”

Clear Expectations

Years ago, when I was coaching in Ireland, I took a team to play basketball in America around Christmas break on two separate occasions. We would travel around for 10 days in a van with a U-Haul trailer, sleeping on the floor of church gymnasiums while being fed by people from the community. Schools, churches, and other groups came together to make this trip possible, and both times, it was an exceptional trip for these boys.

Now, I understood the importance of being thankful for this opportunity, and I wanted the boys to not just be thankful, but GREAT at expressing their gratitude. I acknowledged that saying a good “thank you” was a skill. So, I didn’t just tell them to be thankful and assume they knew what I meant, hoping for the best. Before each trip to the States, we practiced our “thank you”—the skill of a firm handshake, eye contact, saying hello, asking people about themselves, and thanking them specifically for the help they had given us. Every player had to practice until they got it right.

We gave them a basic template:

“Hi, Mr./Mrs. [their name].” Firmly shake their hand while making eye contact. “My name is [your name]. It’s great to meet you. I want to thank you for your part in [tonight’s meal/transportation/accommodation, etc.]. We have had a great trip, and it wouldn’t have been possible without people like you.”

At first, the guys thought it was weird, but after a while, we had a good laugh while practicing these scenarios! And do you know what happened? Our guys crushed it! They were awesome at it, and we still have so many amazing stories of all the good that came from that moment. I even met up with one of these former players a few months ago, and he talked about that exact experience and the positive impact it had on his life.

Put It into Action

1. State the value or expectation. Ask: “What does that look, sound, and feel like in this situation?” For example, if you want practice to be more intense, you can say: “Our focus today is intensity. Describe what intensity looks like, sounds like, and feels like during practice.”
2. Create a sliding scale for your athletes to grade themselves. You can use grades like “bad, good, great” or “unacceptable, acceptable, exceptional”, or even a scale of 1-5. Whatever it is, let them define what each level is. The simpler, the better. For example, let’s come back to our “intensity” example from #1. Define these behaviors as they pertain to “bad, good, great”, “unacceptable, acceptable, exceptional”, or what levels 1 through 5 pertain to (1 being worst, 5 being best, etc.) Now, they can self-reflect in a more constructive and specific way.
3. Roleplay or demonstrate the behaviors. Show them, or have them act out, the right and wrong way to behave. For example, if you want your players to positively encourage each other, you can roleplay a scenario in which a teammate makes a mistake. One of the players must demonstrate the wrong way to encourage this teammate, and another player must demonstrate the right way to encourage this teammate.

-J.P. Nerbun

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The Version of Yourself They Need

In the summer of 2018, I got to meet Jerry Lynch, who arguably is the most successful sports psychologist ever. Lynch has worked with Phil Jackson, Steve Kerr, Anson Dorrance, and other top sports coaches in the world. He shared something that really challenged me. He said anytime he worked with athletes or coaches, he would spend five minutes mentally preparing himself to be the person they needed him to be.

I struggled with this idea, as Brad Stevens once shared that the number-one piece of advice he offered coaches was to “be yourself”. So, I asked Jerry, “What about authenticity? What about being yourself?”

Jerry’s response was simple: “We are multifaceted human beings. We are not always one way or another. We need to be the part of ourselves they need us to be in that moment.”

What Jerry was suggesting is that we need to tap into our various qualities. For instance, you may be a very passionate, outgoing, and loud person in life, like I am. However, depending on the circumstances, I know you have moments when you can be quiet, introverted, and thoughtful. Nobody is one way or the other all the time!

This is not something natural; it is something we have to be intentional about.

Responding to the Needs of Others

In the 2013 NBA Finals, the San Antonio Spurs had a 3-2 series lead over the Miami Heat. The game was in Miami, and to prepare for their potential celebration, Head Coach Greg Popovich set up dinner reservations at a very high-end local restaurant for the players and their families.

But even though the Spurs were about to the clinch the series, they would blow the late-game lead in the last 30 seconds. After the loss, everyone expected to jump back on the plane and head back to San Antonio, but “Pop” had other plans. He unexpectedly ordered everyone to meet him at the restaurant. “Pop” arrived early, ensuring the proper layout and ordering appetizers, wine, and entrees for the players before everyone arrived. In his book, The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle recounts how one assistant described this special moment before everyone arrived:

“He looked as sad as I’ve ever seen a person look,” Marks recalls. “He’s sitting in his chair, not saying a word, still devastated. Then—I know this sounds weird—but you can just see him make the shift and get past it. He takes a sip of wine and a deep breath. You can see him get over his emotions and start focusing on what the team needs. Right then, the bus pulls up.”

Popovich is a competitor, and without a doubt, he can take a loss hard. He often tells his players to “get over themselves”, and it seems like he is able to do just that. “Pop” has an incredibly high IQ. He’s not just socially aware; he is a wizard at managing social situations. Not only can he bring out the best version of himself, but he can bring out the best version of the people around him, too.

Coyle goes on to share the events that took place at the restaurant that evening:

“People later said he behaved like the father of a bride at a wedding, taking time with everyone, thanking them, appreciating them. There were no speeches, just a series of intimate conversations. In a moment that could have been filled with frustration, recrimination, and anger, he filled their cups. They talked about the game. Some of them cried. They began to come out of their private silences, to get past the loss, and to connect. They even laughed.”

In this story, we can sense Popovich did exactly as Jerry Lynch has advised; he mentally prepared himself and was intentional about being the version of himself they needed him to be at that moment.

Changing Who We Are versus Changing How We Operate

Jack Easterby, the Character Coach of the New England Patriots, studies every player on his team and how they respond to certain situations. Jack is a master at building relationships. He doesn’t accept that he just doesn’t get along with a particular player; instead, he intentionally shapes his response and how he inserts himself into the relationship, so as to help build the connection and serve the player.

While on the outside, it can seem like he is studying people as if they were an equation, it is quite the opposite. Instead, he sees everyone as a unique individual, so he can better respond to their needs.

This may feel like we need to change who we are, to be someone different. But, it’s not. We just need to change how we operate. How do we respond to our feelings of disappointment, frustration, and insecurity? Popovich could have been authentic in that moment by admitting his disappointment and choosing to just head home, so everyone could have some “space”. However, he knew they needed to be reminded they weren’t just a team, but a family. So instead, he chose to tap into the version of himself his team needed right at that moment.

-J.P. Nerbun

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