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Archives for November 2018

How to Turn Your Team Values into Team Behaviors

Vague Expectations

In his book, Talent is Overrated, Geoff Colvin tells a short story of a company that decided to start celebrating birthdays to improve morale. The manager told his administrative assistant to buy a cake for a woman in the office named Kate. Now, near the end of the workday, he sent out an email to everyone but Kate, asking them to gather around her desk and sing “Happy Birthday”.

So, as the day draws to a close, everyone awkwardly gathers around Kate and sings “Happy Birthday”. Most everyone sings (or at least mutters) along with the song. A couple of ladies and Kate’s friends really get into it. Kate smiles, and she is clearly embarrassed.

As people begin to start cutting the cake, eager to start eating, the boss stops everyone and says, “That was pretty good, but I want you to sing it again, and this time, sing it better.”

Everyone awkwardly stares at the boss. Nobody sings. You can hear crickets. Why?

Because when people know what to do and what is expected of them, they can do it easily, together, and without being led. But when they are confused and unsure of what’s expected, people become paralyzed.

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In this instance, they knew how to sing “Happy Birthday”. But to sing it better? What does that mean?

Far too often, as leaders and coaches, when we communicate, we communicate in vague descriptions, like this boss did.

We say things like:

  • “We have to compete more.”
  • “We need to be kinder.”
  • “We’ve got to play smarter.”

What is “better”? Well, we need to show them. We need to clarify our expectations.

Rarely is just telling them enough. Sometimes you may need to show them. But, what I have found most effective is using questions to help them identify what those behaviors look like. Questions like:

  • “When someone is competing at their best, what does it look like?”
  • “Think of the best teammate you have ever had. What were the things they said and did? How did they make you feel?”
  • “When the game is close and time is running out, what type of things does a smart team do?”
  • “After practice, what type of things would a grateful team do?”

Clear Expectations

Years ago, when I was coaching in Ireland, I took a team to play basketball in America around Christmas break on two separate occasions. We would travel around for 10 days in a van with a U-Haul trailer, sleeping on the floor of church gymnasiums while being fed by people from the community. Schools, churches, and other groups came together to make this trip possible, and both times, it was an exceptional trip for these boys.

Now, I understood the importance of being thankful for this opportunity, and I wanted the boys to not just be thankful, but GREAT at expressing their gratitude. I acknowledged that saying a good “thank you” was a skill. So, I didn’t just tell them to be thankful and assume they knew what I meant, hoping for the best. Before each trip to the States, we practiced our “thank you”—the skill of a firm handshake, eye contact, saying hello, asking people about themselves, and thanking them specifically for the help they had given us. Every player had to practice until they got it right.

We gave them a basic template:

“Hi, Mr./Mrs. [their name].” Firmly shake their hand while making eye contact. “My name is [your name]. It’s great to meet you. I want to thank you for your part in [tonight’s meal/transportation/accommodation, etc.]. We have had a great trip, and it wouldn’t have been possible without people like you.”

At first, the guys thought it was weird, but after a while, we had a good laugh while practicing these scenarios! And do you know what happened? Our guys crushed it! They were awesome at it, and we still have so many amazing stories of all the good that came from that moment. I even met up with one of these former players a few months ago, and he talked about that exact experience and the positive impact it had on his life.

Put It into Action

  1. State the value or expectation. Ask: “What does that look, sound, and feel like in this situation?” For example, if you want practice to be more intense, you can say: “Our focus today is intensity. Describe what intensity looks like, sounds like, and feels like during practice.”
  2. Create a sliding scale for your athletes to grade themselves. You can use grades like “bad, good, great” or “unacceptable, acceptable, exceptional”, or even a scale of 1-5. Whatever it is, let them define what each level is. The simpler, the better. For example, let’s come back to our “intensity” example from #1. Define these behaviors as they pertain to “bad, good, great”, “unacceptable, acceptable, exceptional”, or what levels 1 through 5 pertain to (1 being worst, 5 being best, etc.) Now, they can self-reflect in a more constructive and specific way.
  3. Roleplay or demonstrate the behaviors. Show them, or have them act out, the right and wrong way to behave. For example, if you want your players to positively encourage each other, you can roleplay a scenario in which a teammate makes a mistake. One of the players must demonstrate the wrong way to encourage this teammate, and another player must demonstrate the right way to encourage this teammate.

-J.P. Nerbun

How One Coach Built the Most Competitive College Program Ever

It’s Not a Championship; It’s an Anniversary

Anson Dorrance’s North Carolina Women’s Soccer Team had just won seven championships in a row and would go on to win 2 more, when a full page ad of the team was published hoisting the trophy would feature the caption, “It’s not a championship, it’s an anniversary.”

When it comes to Division 1 programs, Dorrance’s Tar Heels stands at the top, above all the rest. 21 National Championships. 8 straight titles from 1986-1994. Without a doubt, they are one of the most competitive programs in the history of college athletics. That competitive fire comes from: (1) the enormous value Dorrance places on competing; and (2) the strategy Dorrance implements to nurture that competitiveness.

The following two stories illustrate how Dorrance places value on competition in practices.

April Heinrich

In 1986, April came in as few freshmen do. She came to compete, to be the best player on the field every time she stepped out there. She was ruthless, fierce, and physical; so much so that in the pre-season, a group of veteran players came into Dorrance’s office looking for sympathy and asked, “What are you going to do about April?”

Dorrance’s response was simple: “Clone her.” Then, he half-jokingly asked if he should convince her to transfer to Duke, so they could play against her. The girls’ response was, “No way!” Anson used this teachable moment to highlight the competitive spirit, something coaches often shy away from, but he intentionally does this, day in and day out.

Before the girls left the office, Dorrance reminded them, “You don’t want to play against her. You want to play with her. In fact, I want all you to play just like her.” Dorrance considered instilling this competitive mentality in his players to be his job and responsibility. He tried to recruit competitors, but not every girl who showed up at North Carolina was ready to compete. However, by the time they left North Carolina, he made sure they were.

Anne Sherow

In 1987, Anne Sherow had arguably the greatest season as a goalkeeper at the University of North Carolina ever. Only two goals were scored on them that year, and one of them was an own goal. Sherow had a 0.05 goals against average, the lowest in team history.

Sherow’s record-breaking season was well into North Carolina’s dominance; they almost never lost games. Once, they went 103 games and 1,764 days without losing.

So, after an epic season in 1987, you would think Anne Sherow easily had the starting goalkeeper spot locked down. She had earned it, right?

But, newcomer Merridee Proost would become the starting goalkeeper in 1988. How could Dorrance drop a senior—much less a senior who was the best college goalkeeper at the time?

Because he created an environment where people had to earn that spot, year in and year out. He recruited exceptional athletes who were, without a doubt, near the top of the nation’s recruiting class as far as talent goes. But, that talent did not stagnate when it came to North Carolina. He used that talent to stoke a competitive fire in each and every one of his players.

The Competitive Cauldron

As a child, Dorrance was an avid competitor, playing every sport he could. When he got to UNC as a student-athlete, he would organize dorm-wide competitions in every athletic event imaginable. In these dorm-wide competitions, he would challenge anyone to beat him in any sport. One year, he even kept a running score of “Dorrance versus everyone else”. From an early age, he had an obsession with competition, and still does to this day.

His mentor early on was Dean Smith, the legendary basketball coach at North Carolina. While watching one of his practices, he saw that Smith charted everything—every shot by every player. He also saw that everything in the practice was competitive; everything had winners and losers.

So, fitting his personality and the guidance of his mentor Dean Smith, he has spent the last nearly 40 years developing his competitive cauldron. At this stage, it has become a rather complex system of charting and weighting wins in practice, and if you ask him why he has been so successful at North Carolina, he will probably tell you it’s his competitive cauldron—after admitting the first reason is the remarkably talented players.

Application

Start charting winners in practice. Starting rewarding and praising a competitive effort. It is important to do this in ways that nurture a competitive spirit and a growth mindset, and I have written about how to do that here. Regardless of your level or sport, there is value in this system.

Over the last 7 years of coaching, I have implemented this with nearly every team I work with, and it looks different every season. If you are looking for practical ideas to get a competitive cauldron started, listen to Episode 52 of “Coaching Culture”. In this episode, Nate Sanderson and I talk with basketball coach and author Brian McCormick, who shares some very practical ideas for getting a competitive cauldron started in any sport.

-J.P. Nerbun

*I have created a Competitive Cauldron Excel file that I share with all the coaches in my mentorship program and I personalize for each coach and their team. Please contact me if you are interested in learning more about the mentorship program.

Works Referenced

  1. The Man Watching by Tim Crothers

 

Be Who Your Team Needs You to Be

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The Version of Yourself They Need

In the summer of 2018, I got to meet Jerry Lynch, who arguably is the most successful sports psychologist ever. Lynch has worked with Phil Jackson, Steve Kerr, Anson Dorrance, and other top sports coaches in the world. He shared something that really challenged me. He said anytime he worked with athletes or coaches, he would spend five minutes mentally preparing himself to be the person they needed him to be.

I struggled with this idea, as Brad Stevens once shared that the number-one piece of advice he offered coaches was to “be yourself”. So, I asked Jerry, “What about authenticity? What about being yourself?”

Jerry’s response was simple: “We are multifaceted human beings. We are not always one way or another. We need to be the part of ourselves they need us to be in that moment.”

What Jerry was suggesting is that we need to tap into our various qualities. For instance, you may be a very passionate, outgoing, and loud person in life, like I am. However, depending on the circumstances, I know you have moments when you can be quiet, introverted, and thoughtful. Nobody is one way or the other all the time!

As a leader, we need to be the version of ourselves that our players need us to be. The more we are able to tap into various aspects of our personality, the better we can respond to the needs of the people we lead.

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This is not something natural; it is something we have to be intentional about.

Responding to the Needs of Others

In the 2013 NBA Finals, the San Antonio Spurs had a 3-2 series lead over the Miami Heat. The game was in Miami, and to prepare for their potential celebration, Head Coach Greg Popovich set up dinner reservations at a very high-end local restaurant for the players and their families.

But even though the Spurs were about to the clinch the series, they would blow the late-game lead in the last 30 seconds. After the loss, everyone expected to jump back on the plane and head back to San Antonio, but “Pop” had other plans. He unexpectedly ordered everyone to meet him at the restaurant. “Pop” arrived early, ensuring the proper layout and ordering appetizers, wine, and entrees for the players before everyone arrived. In his book, The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle recounts how one assistant described this special moment before everyone arrived:

“He looked as sad as I’ve ever seen a person look,” Marks recalls. “He’s sitting in his chair, not saying a word, still devastated. Then—I know this sounds weird—but you can just see him make the shift and get past it. He takes a sip of wine and a deep breath. You can see him get over his emotions and start focusing on what the team needs. Right then, the bus pulls up.”

Popovich is a competitor, and without a doubt, he can take a loss hard. He often tells his players to “get over themselves”, and it seems like he is able to do just that. “Pop” has an incredibly high IQ. He’s not just socially aware; he is a wizard at managing social situations. Not only can he bring out the best version of himself, but he can bring out the best version of the people around him, too.

Coyle goes on to share the events that took place at the restaurant that evening:

“People later said he behaved like the father of a bride at a wedding, taking time with everyone, thanking them, appreciating them. There were no speeches, just a series of intimate conversations. In a moment that could have been filled with frustration, recrimination, and anger, he filled their cups. They talked about the game. Some of them cried. They began to come out of their private silences, to get past the loss, and to connect. They even laughed.”

In this story, we can sense Popovich did exactly as Jerry Lynch has advised; he mentally prepared himself and was intentional about being the version of himself they needed him to be at that moment.

Changing Who We Are versus Changing How We Operate

Jack Easterby, the Character Coach of the New England Patriots, studies every player on his team and how they respond to certain situations. Jack is a master at building relationships. He doesn’t accept that he just doesn’t get along with a particular player; instead, he intentionally shapes his response and how he inserts himself into the relationship, so as to help build the connection and serve the player.

While on the outside, it can seem like he is studying people as if they were an equation, it is quite the opposite. Instead, he sees everyone as a unique individual, so he can better respond to their needs.

This may feel like we need to change who we are, to be someone different. But, it’s not. We just need to change how we operate. How do we respond to our feelings of disappointment, frustration, and insecurity? Popovich could have been authentic in that moment by admitting his disappointment and choosing to just head home, so everyone could have some “space”. However, he knew they needed to be reminded they weren’t just a team, but a family. So instead, he chose to tap into the version of himself his team needed right at that moment.

-J.P. Nerbun

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Connecting with Your Child in the Painful Sports Moments

Thrive On Challenge Guest Article from Shane Sowden

“Winning is great, sure, but if you are really going to do something in life, the secret is learning how to lose. Nobody goes undefeated all the time. If you can pick up after a crushing defeat and go on to win again, you are going to be a champion someday.”—Wilma Rudolp

“I’m really proud of you,” I said, as we drove home from the ball diamond for the last time that season. “Do you know what I enjoyed the most about watching you play this season?”

“What?” answered my son, quietly and sadly, from the backseat of our minivan.

“I loved seeing you play with enthusiasm at every game and every practice all season. I loved seeing you hustle on every play, whether you were batting or in the field. I loved seeing you encourage and cheer on your teammates, even after the disappointment when you struck out. It made me proud when your coaches told me how much they enjoyed coaching you and that you were one of the kids who made it worth volunteering to coach. I really enjoyed watching you play and compete this year, and I’m glad you had a lot of fun.”

I patiently waited for a response from the backseat as we drove home, but never got one.

Unexpected Disappointment

The bases were loaded. Two out. Down by three. My 7-year-old stepped up to the plate with his team’s season on the line. If they won, they’d move on to the championship game. Lose, and the season was over. Hudson was so excited to play that night, convinced his team was going to win and move on to the championship game. After a few pitches, my son connected and hit a hard ground ball to the second baseman. As the ball rolled towards the second baseman, I quietly hoped he’d make an error, but he didn’t. He picked up the ball and threw my son out at first base. Game over.

As I made my way over to the team’s dugout, the coaches gathered all the players together for one last huddle. After a few minutes, the team meeting was finished, and my son grabbed his bag and started to walk towards me. As he approached, I got ready to hand him the thank-you cards he’d made for his coaches, but he didn’t see me reach out to give him the cards. He was walking towards me with his head down, clearly trying to hold in his emotions. As he got closer, he raised his hand to his eyes to wipe away tears. There were lots of people around, and he was embarrassed that others might see him crying. Instead of grabbing the cards, he simply placed his head on my hip, and I put my arms around him.

After a few moments, he was able to compose himself and walked towards his coaches to thank them for the season, but as he handed them the cards, he was unable to utter the words “thank you”. Each time he tried, he choked on his words and more tears started to form in his eyes. His coaches thanked him for the gifts and told him how much they’d enjoyed coaching him that season. On the walk to the van to head home, I could sense the continuous buildup of emotion within my son, like a dam ready to burst. It was only as he slid into the seat that the dam burst, his emotions spilling over.

W.I.N.—What’s Important Now?

When we arrived home, Hudson changed as I prepared him a snack. The look of disappointment was still on his face as he sat at the kitchen table.

“Hudson, do you remember what I’ve been telling you all season? What is the most important thing to focus on each time you practice or play a game?” I asked.

“Focus on what I can control.”

Surprised by the quick answer, I responded, “And what is in your control each time you play?”

“My effort and my attitude, Dad.”

“Exactly,” I said with excitement. “Did you try your best every time you played this season?”

“Yes.”

“Did you listen respectfully to your coaches all season?”

“Yes.”

“Were you a good teammate by encouraging and cheering on your teammates each game?”

“Yes.”

“Did you improve and have fun this season?”

“Yes.”

“Can you control the final outcome of the game?”

“No.”

“Well, then, I think you had a very successful season. I know losing is never fun, but I am extremely proud of you, and I can’t wait to watch you play again next spring.”

As my son finished his snack, we played a card game for a little while before it was time to go to bed.

I hadn’t expected the wave of emotions from Hudson that night, but I found myself grateful for the opportunity to connect with my son. I was able to practice the acronym “W.I.N.”, which stands for What’s Important Now?. What was most important in that moment was to show my son empathy, love, and support, and to ask some great questions. It was difficult seeing my son struggle with his disappointment, but it was a wonderful experience having the opportunity to talk and connect with him during the hours after the loss. As a former college athlete and current college coach, I am well aware of the power and influence sports can have on young people. Youth sports have the ability to not only build up young athletes but also tear them down. As my three sons participate in youth sports, my main concern is who they are becoming, rather than whether they are winning or are the best player. I love seeing my kids succeed and do well when they play, but my main desire is to see my boys grow in character and discipline. This will not only help them succeed in sports, but also in life.

Parenting is difficult. As a father, I am learning to take advantage of the unscripted, unexpected opportunities in our everyday lives to connect and teach my boys important life lessons. That summer day with my 7-year-old was one of the unexpected moments. What started out as just another little league game turned into an unexpected opportunity to connect with my son on a deeper level. I had the opportunity to win the moment by taking a step back and asking myself, “What is the most important message I want my son to learn?”. My hope and prayer is that this will be the first of many opportunities to have similar conversations with my sons.

–Shane Sowden is the Men’s Basketball Coach at Briercrest College in Canada

Twitter @moose116

5 Ways Align Your Behaviors with Your Values

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To Spank or Not to Spank

“Your turn!” I said to my wife, Melissa, as my two-year-old daughter, Alena, had just defiantly thrown a toy across the room, shouted, “No!”, and refused to head upstairs to bed.

Melissa dragged her over to the wooden “time-out” bench; a bench which had been passed down from her parents to us. As Melissa put my daughter on the bench and told her she would be in time-out for two minutes, Alena started to kick her repeatedly.

Melissa and I looked at each other. What do we do now?

“I guess she needs a spanking.” Not really knowing any other way to deal with the escalating situation, my wife turned my daughter over, and as she went to spank her, she cringed and had to turn her face away, unable to watch herself commit the act. The “spanking” was more like she was brushing some dirt off her shorts, and I couldn’t help but laugh at her futile attempt to discipline our daughter.

Over the next month or so, I would discover I was “good” at spanking—maybe because I had more experience with it growing up than my wife did! I was quick to spank, but I realized I was also quick to get angry, and I didn’t feel good about it, either. The spanking, the anger—none of it felt right or healthy.

After some personal reflection and discussion, my wife and I decided this wouldn’t be our way. We committed ourselves to reading books and talking with other parents whom we admired to find a better way; a way that aligned more with what we valued.

My wife and I didn’t just want our daughter to be obedient; to go to bed when we told her to. We also wanted our daughter to develop character and self-awareness. And, we wanted to do this while nurturing our relationship, not hurting it.

This parenting lesson taught me something important: When we sit back and reflect on our behaviors, when we screw up, when we don’t act in accordance with our values, we know it! So, not only do we need to develop a system of listening to others’ feedback, but we need to develop a system of listening to ourselves.

Aligning Behaviors with Values

“Once a value is actualized, it becomes a virtue: A character trait of moral excellence. My value is empathy—the virtue is to empathically understand my players. My value is kindness—the virtue is showing kindness toward my players at every practice. My value is service—the virtue is serving others beyond myself.”

—Joe Ehrmann

Now, you might be about to start your season, you might be in the middle of your season, or you may have just finished your season. Regardless, you have a new start; a new beginning, right in front of you.

One of my strongest qualities as a coach has always been that I love practice. For me, no matter how bad a game or a practice went, I couldn’t wait until the next practice. I saw it as an opportunity to become a better coach; to improve on the mistakes of yesterday.

I wish I could say I never spanked my daughter again after I realized it wasn’t the “best” way for me to discipline, but sadly, that isn’t true.

The most important thing is to not see our coaching mistakes and failures as a part of our identity. Instead, we need to see these mistakes as just another step in our journey to learn and grow!

People ask me, “When did it change for you as a coach? When did you start to love this process of personal growth?” The answer is simple: When I realized I wasn’t admitting to being a bad coach or even a bad person. For a long time, I felt that admitting to mistakes was like saying, “I’m a bad coach”. So, I avoided these truths.

Fortunately, I realized that, when I admitted to a mistake, I was just admitting that I was human. I was doing the best I could with what I knew. For years, I just didn’t know better; I didn’t know a better way. And that is what this blog is about. It’s about finding the better way, and then, retraining the way we operate!

And here is the most exciting part of it all: When we realize that we were doing the best we could with what we knew, and when we stop tying our identity to our failures, and instead, see them as opportunities to learn and grow, we become free. Free to fail beautifully and to fail forward. Our experiences and relationships as coaches, spouses, and parents will be transformed. We will be transformed.

Activities and Disciplines

  1. Find a mentor both outside and inside your circumstances.
  2. Empower players and assistant coaches to give you feedback on your behaviors.
  3. Describe the future you! Sketch out the future you! Ask yourself, “How do you want people to see you?” Write out the adjectives and behaviors you want them to see!
  4. Film or record yourself at a practice or game! Watch yourself or watch with a mentor to evaluate your behaviors. Ask yourself, “Am I emulating my values?”
  5. Reflect in your journal or just go through the previous day’s practice or game in your head. Ask yourself: “Were my behaviors governed by my values or by my feelings?”

-J.P. Nerbun

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